I first met Hesha Abrams in 2006, about six weeks into my clerkship with a federal district judge. Hesha was the mediator in a case where the parties were entrenched in their respective positions while awaiting the Court’s summary judgment. That MSJ was the first substantive motion I worked on as a law clerk, and within days of the Court issuing its decision, the case settled.
Hesha stopped by chambers the following week, and we chatted briefly about the MSJ ruling. I vividly remember her explaining that the litigants became entrenched in their positions because they had different perspectives on the law and evidence.
I thought back on this exchange frequently while reading Holding the Calm: The Secret to Resolving Conflict and Defusing Tension.[1] A calm mind can consider a wider spectrum of potential solutions, evaluate those options with greater clarity, and make decisions with more confidence. By holding the calm, we invite those around us to set aside their emotions and realize “there is no such thing as a problem, only a solution waiting to be found.”[2]
Holding the Calm is filled with valuable insights and reminders like this. Below are the top three lessons I intend to implement in my mediation practice as I help parties defuse tension and resolve conflict by holding the calm.
Lesson 1: Perspective is Paramount
Some people get uncomfortable when they listen to alternative viewpoints. They start to feel challenged and defensive. I view it as an opportunity to learn something new and expand my knowledge base. The broader my understanding is, the more effectively I can relate to and communicate with others.
One of my favorite things about Holding the Calm is that it illustrates the supreme importance of perspective. Two stories in particular drive the point home. In one case, Hesha mediated a dispute where plaintiffs contended a historic hotel’s facilities were not sufficiently accessible for people with disabilities. When the plaintiffs and their counsel arrived for the mediation, all of them in wheelchairs, there was no room for them at the conference room table. Nobody had thought to remove the empty chairs to make space for those who cannot use them. The obviousness of this oversight caused a shift in the defendant’s perspective and opened a path for understanding.
Another time, Hesha witnessed an American woman intensely bargaining for some trinket in an overseas bazaar. The woman was so engrossed in the “battle” that she lost sight of the big picture. Hesha provided the perspective the woman needed—quietly reminding her that the price difference was a mere dollar, and the woman selling the trinket lived in a hut.
Perspective allows us to relate to others so we can better understand their needs. As dispute resolution professionals, one of the most important ways we can facilitate understanding is to provide perspective at key moments.
Lesson 2: Situational Silence is Soothing
As a litigator, silence was one of my favorite tools to use when examining adverse witnesses during depositions. When I was dissatisfied with an answer or sensed there was more to the story, I would simply pause and allow the silence to stretch. Witnesses usually began speaking again, eager to explain or defend their conduct.
Most mediators are well-versed in this tactic of using uncomfortable silence to gather information. After all, silence is one of the most powerful tools humans possess. We wield it as a weapon (giving others the “silent treatment”) or use it as a shield (hiding behind a poker face). But Holding the Calm reminds us that silence can also serve as a healing balm when we sit quietly with those in distress.
Consider the story of a man who suffered a profound loss. No words could ease his pain. Hesha held the calm by sitting quietly with the man, demonstrating respect for his grief. Embracing silence in such moments communicates that we are present to listen and support. We are not abandoning the person or attempting to take over. We are allowing the soothing aspect of silence to work its magic. By silently holding the calm, we provide a form of stability and support that is often overlooked.
Lesson 3: Exchange Emotion for Empathy
Every lawsuit is tinged with emotion because every lawsuit involves people and allegations of wrongdoing. When we are accused of misconduct, we have an instinctive emotional response rooted in fear—fear of how others will perceive us or fear of being caught in the wrong.
Holding the Calm posits that fear is the root of all bad behavior, particularly negative emotional responses. This makes sense because humans use emotions to cope with fear. For example, giving in to anger can provide a false sense of emotional control because anger can be used to overpower fear. But trading one emotional response for another does not give people control.
Emotions also cannot be countered with logic or reason. Telling an angry person that they need to calm down tends to further infuriate them because they believe they are already in control and at the exact right level of emotion.
Emotional people are not ready for advice; they need empathy. We can make them feel seen and understood by naming their emotions and acknowledging their validity. From there, we hold the calm by engaging in active listening—asking nonjudgmental questions and summarizing our understanding of the answers until the person feels understood and validated. By exchanging our own emotional response for empathy, we help others find the calm and gain real control over their emotions.
Conclusion
Twenty years have passed since my first meeting with Hesha Abrams, but the lesson I learned that day remains as relevant today as it was then. People become entrenched in their positions when they are unable or unwilling to see merit in others’ perspectives. This closed mindset is a defense mechanism for dealing with uncertainty. Holding the Calm shows readers how to replace judgment with compassion, thereby creating an environment where dignity is preserved and alternative perspectives can be considered. In short, holding the calm allows us to move from impasse to inspiration.
[1] Hesha Abrams, Holding the Calm: The Secret to Resolving Conflict and Defusing Tension (Berrett-Koehler Publishers) (2022).
[2] Id., p. 29.