An hour before a dinner party one night, a friend called to say he would not be able to attend. I was, at first, mildly annoyed. My wife and I had already purchased the food, including some very expensive fish. (As an aside, the fish turned out to be spectacular and worth every penny—and we had leftovers.)
An offhand comment he later made changed everything.
It turns out that the reason he could not attend was that his 90+ year-old ex-mother-in-law had fallen and broken her hip. His daughter had arranged to stay with her grandmother to help during her recovery. He was driving over to deliver a mattress so that his daughter would have a place to sleep while caring for her grandmother.
There are a couple of apropos Yiddish terms here. What a mitzvah—both on his daughter’s part and his. And I am sure he was feeling much naches (pride).
But the real lightbulb moment for me was this: although she was his ex-mother-in-law, she was not his daughter’s ex-grandmother. That relationship had not ended. It would never end.
I have worked with divorced couples my entire professional career. But having never been divorced myself, I had not fully internalized that simple but profound distinction: ex-spouses are not ex-parents. Former in-laws are not former grandparents. For children, those relationships often continue for a lifetime.
The Mediator’s Role: Expanding the Timeline
In divorce mediation, parties are often consumed by the immediate conflict—who stays in the house, how inherited wealth should be treated, what happens with retirement accounts, what schedule will govern the children, and on and on. The emotional and financial “noise” from confronting these decisions can be deafening.
As mediators, we regularly try to widen the lens. We use prompts, reframes, and questions to help clients modify their focus from the present moment to the long arc of their children’s lives.
A common technique I use is to ask parents to imagine their child’s wedding day. Do they want to be sitting on opposite sides of the synagogue, church, or venue? Do they want to avoid each other’s gaze or worse, send visual daggers at each other? Or do they want to sit together, walk their child down the aisle together, and genuinely share pride in the life they helped build?
Sometimes that resonates. Sometimes it cannot cut through the fog of anger.
My friend’s dinner cancellation gave me a new entry point: your ex’s family may be “exes” to you—but they are not exes to your children. Grandmothers remain grandmothers. Uncles remain uncles. Cousins remain cousins. Those relationships are often among the most stabilizing and meaningful in a child’s life—especially during and after divorce.
The very next day, I shared this reflection with a couple embroiled in a bitter dispute over inherited wealth. The conflict over money had eroded their communication, but I knew from prior sessions that they were devoted parents capable of putting their children first.
When I described the distinction between an ex-mother-in-law and a not-ex-grandmother, I saw a flicker of recognition. Nevertheless, the “money monster” soon returned, and the moment passed. But the next day, they reported that they were closer to agreement than ever. I would like to think that part of that progress came from thinking about their children’s grandmas and grandpas.
Husbands may become “wusbands,” and wives become ex-wives (I have yet to find a good parallel for “wusband”). But nothing replaces a grandmother’s love. And grandmothers will always be grandmothers.
Why This Works
Helping clients envision their children’s long futures shifts the emotional frame. Present conflict is intense but temporary. Extended family relationships endure for decades.
When we expand the timeline, we reduce the grip of the immediate dispute. We invite clients to make decisions not just as aggrieved spouses, but as long-term co-parents and architects of their children’s world.
One of our roles as mediators is to help broaden our clients’ perspective.
So, what are some practical tips we can garner from this experience?
1. Reframe “Ex” Relationships Without Minimizing Adult Boundaries
Language matters. You might say:
“This relationship may be over for you, but for your child it continues—hopefully for a lifetime.”
At the same time, normalize that parents may need boundaries with former in-laws. Those boundaries can coexist with supporting a child’s ongoing relationships.
2. Expand the Timeline
Present conflict is loud and hard to avoid. The future is, by definition, remote, and harder to grasp—but powerful.
Ask questions that project forward:
- “What do you hope your child’s relationship with their grandparents looks like five or ten years from now?”
- “How would you like your child to experience holidays, graduations, or a wedding in the future?”
- How does extended family factor into those celebrations?
Future-oriented imagery often resonates more deeply than abstract references to “best interests of the child.”
3. Normalize the Shrinking of the Extended Family—Then Reopen It
Adult conflict often unintentionally limits children’s access to extended family. Frame this as common rather than blameworthy:
“When things are tense, extended family connections sometimes shrink without anyone intending that to happen.”
Then help parents see that this is within their control. They can have selective and intentional boundaries while still preserving their child’s broader family world.
4. Time the Intervention
Ask yourself: Is this couple capable of hearing this today?
If not, pack it away in your toolbox and possibly bring it up at a more opportune moment later. Insight often works cumulatively. A brief moment of recognition in a mediation today may resurface later, possibly at a future mediation or outside the mediation room.
5. Separate Values from Outcomes
Avoid linking the extended-family insight to a specific concession (“therefore you should agree to X”). Let clients draw their own conclusions. Clients coming up with their own conclusions and insights will usually result in more durable agreements.
6. Notice and Reinforce Subtle Shifts
When you see a small alignment toward a child-centered perspective, reflect it back. Subtle shifts can lead to larger, more substantive changes.
7. Plant Seeds, Not Outcomes
The goal of discussing extended family relationships is not immediate agreement about extended family access. The goal is to expand your clients’ perspective. Even limited discussion can quietly shape more thoughtful, child-centered decisions later.
Divorce often magnifies the present moment. That is understandable and normal. As mediators, we try to expand the view in time and perspective. William Ury, in his recently published book “Possible”, talks about “going to the balcony”.
Our work is not only to resolve disputes, but to help parents see beyond them. When we remind clients that their children’s relationships with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins may last long after the divorce decree is signed, we widen the emotional and relational horizon.
Grandmas are not “exes.”
And when parents remember that, their decisions often become less about winning today—and more about preserving what will matter for decades.